Watching without seeing at all
by wirbelwind
Summary: Dear Fuji, it’s a sad reason that makes me write to you today. [...]
1. Chapter 1

_**Watching without seeing anything at all**_

**Chapter One**

I was sitting in the seminar room waiting for the lectures to start. We just had had a larger break for lunch and were waiting for the professor to arrive. Having my notebook in front of me, I checked various internet sites and forums for news.

No news.

_Why can't we just start yet? It's getting broing. Well, we still have over half an hour left before the lecture's going to start. I could check on mails – but I just did that before lunch. I doubt there's anything new. Well, anyway… _

I was surprised to find a mail. It was from my former vice captain and had no special subject.

_Weird, Oishi usually does not write me any mails – especially not without any subject. _

Curious about what Oishi had written, I clicked onto the link and opened the mail.

ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo

Dear Fuji,

it's a sad reason that makes me write to you today.  
I just got to know that Ryusaki-sensei has died yesterday.

ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo

I had to stop. I felt like I did not get the message of these simple lines. I had to reread it.

ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo

I just got to know that Ryusaki-sensei has died yesterday.

ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo

This could not be, could it? People had said that she was suffering from cancer, but I had never believed a word. I never gave a damn about gossip.

_But it looks like I should have better listened this time. _

I felt my eyes watering and my cheeks got hotter and hotter.

_I do not want to cry, I don't want to cry in the middle of this seminar room. _

ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo

I feel really depressed. I have no clue when the funeral will be,  
but I think our team should be there, don't you agree?  
I already informed the others, too. But I couldn't reach Kawamura,  
maybe you can tell him then? You can also give him my cell  
phone number, if you want to.

Yours Oishi

ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo ooo

Suddenly I felt glad that the professor had not yet arrived. I felt like the chattering of my fellow students was mocking my feelings. A little clumsy I searched for my earphones, found them and started listening to some music. I turned it as load as my ears could bear the noise.

Supporting my head with both hands I stared at the lines Oishi had written. Images of my former sensei appeared in front of my inner eye. I saw her barking at us, that we should try harder to improve our tennis. I saw her smiling proudly at us when our skills improved and when we won a tournament. I could hear her laughing with us at the party we had after graduation.

All these pictures were so clear, so close. I felt as if it had been just yesterday, that I saw her just yesterday sitting on her bench watching our matches.

I felt burning tears running down my cheek. With my fingers I wiped it away. But new tears were emerging my eyes. Soundlessly I let them flow. Here and then I had to suppress a sob, and it was harder and harder to not just drop my façade.

_The world is no longer a space, it's a layer, just a flat layer, like the page of a book onto which I stare without reading anything. I watch without seeing anything at all. The time seems to slow down, everything seems to be so meaningless to me. _

_I took a look at the students sitting in front of me. _

_I'm sure, they can see the tears. But they don't care, they don't dare to ask questions, they just let me sit hear and suffer. But I'm grateful they do, I doubt I would like to talk to anyone of them. I cannot hear what they are saying, it all seems to have lost its importance. _

_What am I doing here anyway? Maybe I should just leave and go home. But would that make things any better? _

No it wouldn't. It didn't matter where my body was, my thoughts where circling around pictures of my past. I felt kind of numb, even my thoughts seemed to be slower then usual. My head hurt like hell, and there was no way to ease the pain. I had to endure it.

The lecture passed by without me paying much attention. At home I took my sell phone and wrote a message to Kawamura. It took me quite a while to decide on which words to use. When I was done I wrote to my parents, telling them to please tell me as soon as they got any news about the funeral and that I would be there, no matter what.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

The funeral was going to be help on Friday morning. I decided to go back home un Thursday, directly after the lectures. Oishi had told me that he would take care on flowers and a card and that we'll meet on the cemetery.

There was only one last thing for me to manage. Usually I would have had lectures on Friday and I needed to make sure to get information about what it was going to be about. I didn't want to tell the whole world what I was feeling at the moment, but I had to talk to someone, so that at least one person would know why I would not be there.

I had been waiting for two days until I felt brave enough to talk about the matter. I was – as usually sitting next to Misa, a girl who was a very friendly and caring person. Almost like Oishi, who also cared about everybody around him.

Almost everybody had already left the room, and she was standing next to me packing her bag. I did not move and just stared onto my fingers.

"I won't be here tomorrow."

"Sorry?"

"I … I won't be here for tomorrow's lectures."

I felt her eyes resting on me. Quietly she took a seat next to me.

"What's wrong, Fuji-kun?"

"I … I have to go home."

I did not give her any time to react and talked on instead.

"There's a funeral I need to go to. I mean, she was not family for me, she was only my sensei. But she was one of the best. I mean, she always supported us, she was nothing like the others. Always had faith in us."

My tongue was moving faster then my thoughts. She put her arm around my shoulders and listened to me without interrupting.

"It would be no good if I stayed here, if I did not go. I feel like I owe it to her. I know that if I don't go, I'll regret it. I'll regret it for a very long time. I once didn't go to a funeral of a person I knew, and I still regret it. I feel as if I betrayed this person. I don't want to feel that again, I don't want to betray her, I don't want to regret."

My body was tense and my hands shaking.

"I need to go, you understand that, don't you?"

"Shh, it's alright, Fuji-kun. It's ok if you go."

"You'll pay attention for me?"

"Yes, I will, you can copy my notes afterwards."

"Th- Thank you."

My voice cracked. I had no idea why I had told her so much; I had never shared such things with anybody. But I felt kind of relieved.

"Just take some days off."

--- --- ---

Please note that your comments help me to write on.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Watching without seeing anything at all**_

**Chapter Two**

I felt the familiar warmth of bed. A bit of the sunlight had found its way through the curtains. I was home and it felt great. Smiling to myself I stretched my muscles. Suddenly the reason why I was home came back to my mind.

The funeral was going to take place in two hours. Enough time to get up and have a bit of breakfast. Too bad I didn't feel like breakfast at all. Getting up I turned on the music. It was ok to have it a little louder, nobody else was at home. It was just me – and the funeral ahead.

The music somehow managed to push all the depressing thoughts away. But time was not about to pass any faster – I felt like the clock mocked my impatience every time I took a look to check the time.

Twenty minutes left. It's time to get going.

When I was about to put on my jacket the telephone rang.

"Shusuke? You're going downtown today, right? Could you please get some vegetable at the market place. I …"

"Mum, I'm in a hurry. I'll call you as soon as I'm back, ok?"

"But – "

"I really need to –"

I did not even finish when the door bell rang.

"Mum, there's somebody at the door. I'll call you."

Without waiting for a response I switched of the phone.

Opening the door I stared at a post man who held a package in his hands.

"Good morning. This is for Fuji-san. Is he at home?"

"Uh, no he isn't. But I can take it for him, I'm his son."

The post man agreed. I gave signed some paper for him to prove that he had delivered the package. I placed it in the entry hall, got my key and – and the phone rang again. I decided to ignore it and left the house.

My mum had left me her car, so that I was not forced to walk all the way. I'm glad she did, because even though I had planned to be there a lot earlier, it's would have been hard to be there in time otherwise.

When I arrived at the parking lot, Taka-san was already waiting for me. We had agreed to meet there and walk the few metres to the hall, where the ceremony would take place. Seeing him made me feel a little more comfortable.

_Last time I saw him we graduated. Some good friend I am… _

"Hey, Fujiko-chan."

I have no clue when he had started to call me that every time he sees me. In the past he only used to call me that, when we were standing on the court. The others called it his 'Burning-mode'. But to me it was just a sign, that he was serious about something. And somehow he became serious about what he did beside tennis when he stopped playing.

"Taka-san."

A small smile formed on my lips and I nodded at him. Together we walked in silence towards the crowd of people that had already gathered in front of the hall. There were a lot of students who were just as old as we had been, when we were still attending Seishun Gakuen. Among them I saw some of my former teachers. I smiled at the thoughts of my time at school. I felt the urge to greet them, to talk to them.

But suddenly I felt guilty. I felt guilty for the small sparkles of happiness that had lit up my mood. This was a day of sorrow, there was no place left for something like happiness.

I saw Oishi and Eiji standing at the edge of the crowd. Eiji looked rather pale, his eyes were red from too much crying. Eiji had always been the more emotional type. But Oishi did not look much better, even though he had one arm around the shoulders of his friend and former doubles partner.

"Hello.", was my rather short greeting.

The two of them looked up at us and Oishi gave us a nod. Eiji on the other hand just looked at me with his watering eyes. I lifted my hand and stroke his cheek, trying to give him an consoling smile.

But it didn't work. I was happy, that another voice distracted Eiji before he could start to cry.

"Fuji. Oishi."

Turning around I looked at Tezuka. He was still much taller then I was, but his face was just the way I had remembered it. Vaguely I realized, that he had said my name first. I felt honoured at happy at the same time without knowing why, but showed him a smile.

And then there it was again: The guilty feeling deep in my stomach was back and I lowered my head. Why did we all have to meet again on an occasion like this?

We didn't talk at all, everybody was busy with his own thoughts. Time after time the rest of our team arrived. Echizen was the last to come.

"Sakuno wants me to tell you that she'd be glad if you would join friends and family inside the hall."

"Don't you think it would be rude?"

Momoshiro asked carefully. Echizen shook his head.

"No. Please follow me, we left you some seats."

And so we entered the hall. There were already a lot of people sitting on the wooden benches. Everybody was deep in thoughts, only some elder people were talking quietly.

_ I cannot imagine how anybody would ever be able to get used to something like a funeral, to losing somebody. _

In silence we took our seats. Eiji, who was sitting at my left side was again sobbing silently. It hurt my heart to see a usually happy person so broken.

_But he'll get through it. Oishi will help him, he'll take care of him. _

At my right side Tezuka looked – no he almost stared – at the front, where a lot of flowers, among them stood a golden cup. I realized it was the cup we had won at the nationals. Our way of showing our respect. She was probably the only one worth having it. I smiled at the thought of our victory at the nationals.

Suddenly the doors behind us were closed and a man in a black robe walked to the front. When the music started I realized that there had been sitting a woman behind the piano all the time. She was quite small, which was probably the reason, why I had not noticed her.

The music was slow and felt heavy on my mind. Every attempt to keep my mood up was pointless. Immediately pictures of my former sensei appeared before my inner eye. I heard Eiji sobbing harder. I hated the sound. I felt like it could not become any worse. I was not sure how long I would be able to stop myself from crying.

_Just think about something else. Try to think about something positive. _

But I failed. So I tried to think about nothing at all, which was not much better either. I just hoped it would end soon. Finally the music ended. Relieved I sighed thinking that the worst thing was over.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Watching without seeing anything at all**_

**Chapter Three**

I was wrong. I was all wrong. It got worse when the music stopped.

"Today we're here to take leave on Ryusaki Sumire; mother, grandmother, friend and sensei."

Even though this was no news it hit me like a stone. It was like freezing water running down my back. I started pressing my cold hands against my knees. Like in trance I heard the man enumerate the basic facts of her life.

I felt like being in another dimension. Again time stopped passing. Depressed I stared at my hands. Against the black of my trousers they looked rather pale. Suddenly I noticed a bee close to the window humming. Thankfully I accepted the distraction.

_Happy you, I cannot help but feel a little jealous. Your life seems to be so carefree, while my life just suffers from a big crack_.

"- was very proud of her grand daughter, whose skills at the piano are excellent."

A loud sob was heard. It must have been Sakuno. I had not seen her before, but now I found her sitting at Echizen's side in the first row. Now I felt even more sorry for her.

_What would it be like for me, if it was somebody of my family?_

I did not want to answer this question and shook it off.

"One of the most important things to her was tennis, which she was coaching at the Seishun Gakuen."

Here it was – the point which concerned me, too. The point I could no longer overhear.

"Five years ago, her team managed to make a dream come true. They reached the National tournament and won. She was very proud that two of her former students are now playing at a national level."

I heard Eiji failing to suppress a sob and before I knew it, the first tear was running down my cheek. It was hard to not just start crying out load. My view was blurred. Again the woman at the piano started to play and I let the tears flow silently.

_Why did you not take any tissues with you? Idiot. _

Fiercely I tried to wipe away my tears. I held my breath to keep myself from sobbing. I was not even able to inhale fresh air without shaking. I was happy that the music was drowning my sobs.

Suddenly I felt Tezuka moving beside me. Leaning back a little he took a little package with paper tissues out of his pocket. I watched him open it. It felt like the first time since we had taken seats in the hall that time was passing a bit faster. He offered me a tissue and put the rest with the package back into his pocket.

"Thank you.", I whispered.

He did not answer me, instead his fingers brushed mine. It was only a small gesture, but it was comforting enough to help me get back control over my feelings. I managed to survive the rest of the speech without too much crying.

"And now I would like to ask you to all accompany me outside, so that we can see Ryuaski Sumire off."

In silence the audience rose from its seats. One by one we left the hall – the priest at the front holding the urn followed by Ryusaki's family and close friends. Our former team followed them.

Alone and in pairs the relatives walked towards the prepared grave. Waiting a moment in respect everyone took a hand full of sand and strew it into the digged hole. Then they walked on, heads down.

I did not want to watch, I hardly could. I did not know how to behave myself. It was the first time I had been to a funeral. This felt so strange, everything felt weird. The time passed by way to fast this time. I did not know what to think nor how to behave, nevertheless it was almost my turn.

In front of me Eiji started crying again. Oishi laid his arm around the red haired boy's waist. Both took some sand and let it slip into the black hole. Suddenly I felt so alone. And watched. I felt like every single person around me was watching every little move I did. Well, everyone except Eiji and Oishi, who were now walking on, leaving me the space to say good bye.

Good bye. Usually these words never had a big influence on me. Usually I had always been sure that it never meant that I would never see the other person again. I hesitated, I was afraid.

Then Tezuka made a step towards the grave and I knowing that I was hindering everybody else I followed him. We both took a hand full of sand. I watched Tezuka holding his hand over the hole, opening it.

I watched until he let his hand sink back to his side. Then I stared at my hand.

_A bit of sand to say good bye – is that all? What am I supposed to do? I want to show my respect, my sorrow, but I don't know how. _

"Fuji."

_Hu? _

I thought I was hearing things, when I felt Tezuka's breath at my ear.

_He wants me to act. _

Slowly I let the sand flow through my fingers, slipping away. Slipping away, just as Ryusaki-sensei had slipped away from our reach. I felt my cheeks get hot again, my vision blurred and tears fought their way down my face.

I was crying. Again.

A hand touched my shoulder. I felt it's warmth through the fabric of my clothes. Tezuka pulled me a little closer and together we stepped away from the grave. Walked away from the fearsome hole and approached the others.

I did not want to look at any of them. They were my friends, but I was ashamed. Ashamed of my tears, ashamed of my weakness. But Tezuka did not seem to have a problem with it, he let his arm rest around my shoulders, holding me close.

"Fujiko? Oishi and I want to go a bit downtown. Getting a bit distraction, want to join us?"

I looked up at Eiji. He had dried his tears, but his eyes were red. Slowly I shook my head.

"I think I'll go home. I… I need some time for myself."

"Mh, ok.", was the rather disappointed answer of my friend. But he didn't argue.

"I'll accompany home then, if that's ok for you."

Surprised I looked up at Tezuka.

"I – There's no need to. I mean, I came by car. I only need a few minutes to get home."

"Nevertheless I'd be glad to join you."

"O-Ok."

We drove home, or better to my home. We were not talking at all, the music was ringing out of the radio. It felt strange, as if we were driving out of the dark into a new born world. The people on the street looked rather normal and happy, but I did not pay much attention.

"Do you want me to drop you off somewhere?"

"No, don't worry. I want to make sure you get home safely. I'll simply get a taxi as soon as we're standing in front of your house." 

"I'm ok, Tezuka – I'm alright. You don't need to – "

"Fuji."

"But-"

"No 'but' – do you really think paying for a taxi will hurt me that much?"

"I – Probably not."

He's right. It won't hurt him at all. I mean he's a professional tennis player who has won enough tournaments…

"Well, here we are. Want to use our phone?" 

"Fuji."

"It was just a thought. I did not want o be offensive."

"You're not. Don't worry."

I parked the car in front of our house and switched of the engine.

"Here we are."

"Looks just the way I remembered it."

Confused I looked at him.

_Remembered it? Tezuka Kunimitsu remembered my family's house? The house I have been living in for all the years. He remembered it? _


End file.
